It’s Time for a Change: How You Can Change the World (and Therapy Can Help)
June 4, 2020
Written by: Sarah Jenkins, MSW, RCSWI
Currently, we are in a time of extreme discomfort, fear, anger, you name it, society is feeling it. This is the discomfort that causes change. The country was just starting to open back up as stay at home orders were lifting and businesses were opening again after the #Covid-19 crisis, then we were reminded of the #racism and #hatred that still very much exist in society. At this time, so many people are hurting, are in fear for their lives, have lost their jobs, are losing their housing, have families falling apart, have relationships ending, and are dealing with a tremendous amount of grief and loss. Alcohol sales are increasing drastically, people with new sobriety and long-term sobriety are relapsing, depression and anxiety are at an all time high, and it feels like so many people’s worlds are falling apart. This is a time when we can work together, lean on one another, ask for help, and come together as a community to take a stand against the things we will not stand for. Whether it is racism you want to end, a relationship that no longer meets your needs, a job you want to leave, or a change you want to make, endings must happen to make room for new beginnings.
One good thing about this high level of anger and discomfort the country is feeling collectively is that it pushes us to grow, forces us to look at ourselves, get rid of what is no longer serving us and allow for something new to begin. I have hope that, collectively, we are transforming. More than ever, we need togetherness, community, and support.
This article will discuss why so many people resist change, the stigmas surrounding therapy, how therapy can be beneficial for everyone, and how you have the power to change the world for the better.
Why We Resist Change
I often talk to people about the stigma surrounding therapy, as well as what keeps people from seeking help. Continuous themes that come up, are how they do not trust people, they have been hurt before, how their problems “aren’t that bad,” how they feel like therapy is for people who are “crazy,” how they can do it on their own, that asking for help is a weakness, that therapy is just “talking about feelings,” and numerous other reasons. A lot of these stigmas are based on fear. Fear is driven by the ego, responsible for defense mechanisms, to keep our bodies and minds stuck where they are.
Our ego wants us to remain the same, or in terms of our body, in homeostasis. That is where our body is most comfortable, because outside of homeostasis, our body and mind are forced to react, to change, to be uncomfortable, to grow.
Sometimes our “normal” is wildly uncomfortable and painful, yet it’s familiar, and our bodies crave familiarity. Change is terrifying, so is growth. People unconsciously resist change because it is what their body wants. It is physically difficult for the body to change, you know this if you have ever tried to lose weight or gain weight, the body wants to stay exactly as it is.
Change evokes an unconscious fear, fear of the unknown, fear of uncertainty. Making decisions based on fear is no way to progress forward in life. Fear is part of the reason racism is so prevalent in America. As humans, we project onto others how we feel about ourselves, so this hatred toward others is just hatred an unaware person feels for themselves, but their fear (or their ego) “protects” them by projecting their own beliefs onto others, keeping their deep wounds stuck exactly where they are, in homeostasis, because it feels “normal” to them. The healing comes in when you can look at yourself honestly, nonjudgmentally, and lovingly to release the hatred. When you love yourself, truly love yourself and stop judging yourself, you stop hating and judging others. One way we can end racism and hate is for every person to take personal accountability for themselves, to seek help, to heal their wounds, and stop projecting their own beliefs onto people around them. Therapy is just one path to begin this healing.
I have quoted this before and will quote it again because it beautifully explains hatred with a compassionate level of understanding.
“I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense once the hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with this pain.” -James Baldwin
Trust Issues
Many self-esteem issues, stress management, difficulty understanding their emotions, perfectionism, the need to control, relationship issues, addiction, depression, and most mental health diagnoses stem from “trust issues.” Many people have been hurt throughout their lives, oftentimes from their primary caregivers who are the first people who teach them how to love. According to Erik Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development (McLeod, 2018), a child learns whether humans can be trusted or not in the first two years of life. If your parents or primary caregiver were neglectful, inconsistent, or used the “let them cry it out” method, you may have learned in the beginning of your life that people cannot be trusted, people should not be relied upon, people will hurt you, you do not need anyone, and essentially do not need love. These beliefs are hard to recognize on your own because they are so deeply ingrained, they are a part of you.
This is an oversimplified summary of a complex issue. The point here is how the therapeutic relationship can help mend the ability to trust another person, and heal deep wounds stemming from the inability to trust, love another person, or let people love you, that you cannot heal on your own.
Self-Help: An American Crisis
It’s interesting how the mind and the body work. With self-help book sales growing exponentially, specifically in 2019 the compound annual growth rate for this industry reached 18.9 million (The NPD Group, Inc, 2020). This idea in America is part of a problematic systemic belief we have in our culture in the west. America is one of the most profound individualistic societies. Most other countries in the world, especially in the east like China, Japan, and India, are collectivist societies. In collectivist societies, the values are placed on the importance of the community over the importance of the individual. Communities work together to support one another, and the needs of the family unit are valued over the needs of the individual. On the contrary, in America’s individualistic society, the need for personal power, individual identity, and rugged individualism drive many of the social constructs and beliefs we have growing up in America.
People often read and seek self-help, without asking for help from anyone else. They are attempting to heal their wounds on their own. I will explain how this is problematic. Let me just say, self-help books are great, when you use them as a tool, just not as the only tool. I love reading these books, then discussing them with my friends and family, clients, colleagues, and teachers. The discussion and the emotional intimacy stemming from the discussion is the healing part, not the part where I read the book on my own.
Why You Cannot Heal Yourself by Yourself
If you grew up in America or a family with strong beliefs of rugged individualism, chances are you grew up learning that if you have emotions or express your emotions you are weak, you should not ask for help, you should be able to do everything on your own, and if you can’t, there is something wrong with you. This is pervasive in our culture, so if you feel this way, you are not alone. This mental toughness perspective causes people to have confusion when trying to understand their emotions. This also creates an unconscious belief that you should always control your emotions, but who really controls emotions? If you were the controller or the dictator of your emotions, wouldn’t you always just feel happy?
To help illustrate this point, lets imagine you are looking forward to spending time with a dear friend, but at the last minute, they cancel your plans. If you struggle with any of these initial core beliefs mentioned, or with addiction, anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem, this may signal an immediate fear response, a thought “something is wrong with me,” and maybe this transpires into a thought dialogue about how nobody wants to spend time with you, how people do not like you, or how people are always going to hurt you, leave you, or let you down. Or maybe this causes an initial discomfort of sadness, disappointment, or hurt. If you have any of these other core beliefs, like you should not feel the way you do or you are weak for feeling sad, then what you might end up feeling a secondary emotion such as anger, guilt, or shame for feeling a normal emotion such as sadness. You may tell yourself, “you shouldn’t feel sad, don’t take it personally, it has nothing to do with you, etc.” and this is your mind’s attempt at controlling your emotions, pushing away what you feel, which actually does the opposite, it compounds the anger, worsens the guilt, and increases the initial sadness.
This is just one example of how pushing away your emotions harms your mental health and destroys your sense of self. There are many other ways core beliefs and social constructs give you a destructive sense of self, causes self-hatred, and sabotages relationships. Hopefully this helps illustrate another intensely complex issue.
Reprogramming Your Brain
Therapy helps you to untangle the faulty wiring programmed into your brain throughout your life. These core beliefs are so deeply ingrained, they cannot be resolved simply by identifying they exist. Therapy helps you to learn how to separate your feelings, understand the various nuances, and develop trust in this authentic human relationship. The healing part of therapy comes from the unconscious energy exchanged between two humans. This is not something that can be replaced by a self-help book or by any other means of doing it on your own, or “picking yourself up by the bootstraps.” So much of the therapeutic process that heals is in the energy transformation, it’s in the time and space between the people, and not always in the conscious awareness or words. It’s hard to explain with words because it is something that happens on a spiritual and emotional level.
When you attempt to understand yourself and heal your wounds on your own, your ego will fight to maintain homeostasis, unconsciously fight against any change you attempt to make, and keep the faulty core beliefs intact, keeping you in the same predicament you are in now. You cannot objectively see yourself, no one can. No matter how self-aware you become. As humans, we all need people in our lives to offer varying perspectives, to challenge us when we have a belief that is untrue, or to gently point out how a belief we have about ourselves may be based on someone else’s feelings and not reality.
Alan Watts quotes a Chinese Buddhist poem is his insightful book Become What You Are
“It is like a sword that wounds, but
cannot wound itself.
Like an eye that sees,
But cannot see itself.”
Therapy is About You and For You
Another key component of therapy is that this relationship is solely about you. It is a great way to treat yourself, to take care of yourself, and to spend an hour focusing on you. For about the same cost as a great massage, one hour of therapy can have profound lasting affects on your mental, emotional, and spiritual health.
Unlike a friendship that is mutually beneficial, the therapist is there for you. This means the therapist is trained to understand their own unconscious biases to ensure their personal beliefs do not get in the way when working with you. A therapist should not be giving you advice or telling you what you should be doing with your life to make it better, nor should a therapist be judging you or making you feel bad. A therapist should be there for you as a mirror so you can begin to objectively understand yourself, untangle the unconscious beliefs and social constructs, and to help you develop a healthy perspective of yourself.
When you blend the unconscious with the conscious mind, this change is everlasting. You will not have to work so hard to understand what you feel, rather it will become an automatic response. To illustrate from my previous example when the friend cancels your date, you will be able to tell yourself “Ok, I feel sad because I was looking forward to spending time with my friend and I feel disappointed they had to cancel. That makes sense I feel sad. That’s okay, I know it’s not about me and they will reschedule when they have time.” And that’s it, no underlying guilt, anger or shame because sadness was the root emotion. When you understand the root cause of the pain immediately, understand what your body is telling you, you will not have secondary emotions. You will no longer judge yourself. Rather you will truly understand what you need, how to express your emotions to the people who need to hear them to build authentic, meaningful relationships, and ultimately get whatever you want in life. To be unapologetically, authentically you. This creates a feeling of liberation! The key is understanding you.
Another great quote from The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching, by Thích Nhất Hạnh:
“When we direct our attention toward our suffering, we see our potential for happiness. We see the nature of suffering and the way out. That is why the Buddha called suffering a holy truth. When we use the word “suffering” in Buddhism, we mean the kind of suffering that can show us the way out.”
Therapy is Temporary
Therapy should be used with a goal in mind, something you want to work on, something that has an end date. A good therapist is there to work for you, to provide relief from pain, improve relationships, improve sexual satisfaction, deal with life transitions, help with addiction, improve low self-esteem, reduce depression, increase emotional awareness, help with stress or anger management, improve mental health, etc.
When therapy is done, you will know you are ready for discharge when this goal has been reached, whatever that goal may be. Therapy is not a lifelong process. Therapy is a short-term relationship to help you achieve some sort of goal, awareness, or insight. Then the relationship is over. There is a lot to be learned when the therapeutic relationship ends as well. The changes made will stay with you eternally. The therapist does not get credit for the changes you make, you do.
Not All Therapists are the Right Fit
Just as all humans have imperfections, all therapists have imperfections. I am not the best therapist for everyone, likewise, all therapists will not be the best fit for you. If you do not feel comfortable with your therapist and you are not learning anything, gaining any new awareness or insight, and do not feel like you are getting something beneficial from the therapeutic process, let your therapist know. It is your therapist’s job to work for you and benefit you. This is a great opportunity for growth for both of you when you share your honest, genuine feelings with another person. This will allow the therapist to address whatever is causing the discomfort, or help you find a therapist that will be a better fit for you. You will also feel tremendous relief for expressing yourself and gain a sense of accomplishment for having an uncomfortable conversation, this is where the growth comes in!
I often hear from clients how they do not tell their therapists when the therapist hurts them, makes them feel judged or insulted, or when they do not feel comfortable with their therapist because they do not want to hurt the therapist’s feelings. This causes them to leave treatment, end the relationship, or never try therapy again. As a therapist and mental health professional, your feelings are our job, not the other way around. It is not your job to protect anyone’s feelings. Other people’s feelings are their responsibility, and your feelings are your responsibility. Your only responsibility in therapy, and in life, is to be honest with yourself, express yourself, and get your needs met. Only you are responsible for your life. Only you are the one with all the power and control, and therapy can help you unleash this limitless potential.
Since I love paradoxes, and something therapy helps you learn is to accept paradoxes in everything, I leave you with a great quote from an inspiring self-help book by Jack Canfield, The Success Principles: How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be:
“If you want to be successful, you have to take 100% responsibility for everything that you experience in your life. This includes the level of your achievements, the results you produce, the quality of your relationships, the state of your health and physical fitness, your income, your debts, your feelings—everything!”
While therapy can help you take responsibility for everything in your life, you are the one
with the power. You are the one who makes therapy work. If you are willing to ask for help, to be honest, to sit with discomfort, and know this pain is temporary for long-term gain, therapy might be beneficial for you.
If every person took 100% responsibility for themselves, asked for help when they needed it, and healed their hidden wounds, we could end racism and hate in our society. It takes everyone individually doing their part to impact the whole collectively. When one person heals, it transcends to the people around them, ultimately healing others. Do your part and take care of you, so together we can change the world together.
If you have any questions or feedback, comment below, or schedule an appointment for a free consult. I’d love to hear from you!
