Advice For Family Members of “Addicts” or “Alcoholics” …. and when it is Helpful to Talk about the Weather
By Sarah Jenkins, MSW, RCSWI
June 16, 2020
In group therapy, we often talk about what people struggling with addiction needed from their family and loved ones while they were in active addiction. Something they seldom received. It seems counterintuitive to not talk about the elephant in the room, but this is coming directly from the people you want to help.
What people wanted and needed most while struggling with addiction was not anything related to addiction. People who are battling alcoholism or cannot stop using drugs just want what most of us want: love. This means talking to them about the weather, current events, life, your own struggles, basically anything other than addiction or the pain they have caused their family or loved ones. Anyone who is battling addiction is fully aware of the pain they are causing themselves and others. Often this level of guilt, anger, despair, or resentment contributes to continued use. It is not helpful to point out a person’s flaws when their flaws are the only thing they can see. Most people during addiction cannot see what a good person they are because they feel like that person is gone. More pain, guilt trips, anger, resentments, arguments, or basically all the common ways frustrated family members communicate, are not helpful for anyone. Not for you or your loved one who is struggling.
Practice compassionate listening and understanding. Talk to your loved one about anything other than addiction. Talk to them about life, memories, good times, or share your own personal struggles, let them help you. Just because someone is battling an addiction does not mean they are useless, or they do not have value. They are still a valuable human being with a lot of strength and courage to offer. Ask them for their help. Let them help you. Let them feel like their life has meaning other than just to get drunk or high. Maybe you have lost trust in them, or you do not believe them anymore, but this is not lost. The person you love is still there. Hidden underneath a dark cloud of pain and denial, a belief they can quit on their own, and that they do not need help, or maybe they feel like they do not deserve help, or love from anyone. This is where you can really help.
You can counter this belief by simply being there for them. Vent your own frustrations about how stressful your life has been, or difficulties you have been having. Show them your vulnerabilities and let them help you. Let them know everyone struggles, they are not alone, and they are not the only one experiencing pain and despair. You can open your heart and share your own vulnerabilities to let them support you, feel useful again, with or without addiction, this level of love and support is the most valuable thing you can give another person.
If you keep arguing with your loved one, giving guilt trips and ultimatums, and nothing seems to be working, try a different approach. Try fighting through your own anger and madness to offer love, to ask for their support, to seek their guidance and advice. Let them feel like a human again, not like an object such as an “addict” or an “alcoholic.” People are so much more than the labels that are put on them. Sometimes it is helpful to just talk about the weather.
I am here to provide therapy for family members or have loved ones battling addiction. It takes a community to support someone in recovery, likewise, family members deserve that same kind of community and support. Therapy can help you be the best version of yourself so you can effectively be there for your loved one. Schedule a free consult today to see if therapy can help you.
